im feeling guilt with a shot of sad on the side for my dad. he tries so hard, but its just too much. im working on my speech in the living room and he is watching tv, and he has to say something every 7 minutes. commentary about the tv program, something on tv that spurred a train of thought, some form of engaging question. it was my fault, i shouldve been doing homework elsewhere, not watching tv. it was getting to the point of being on my ever-living nerves, until i realized-hes lonely and desperate. well, so lonely that hes desperate. he spends basically all day home alone working, and has no one to talk to him. he doesnt even have a pet that he can focus his energy on. so hes lonely, then i show up on his doorstep (well, not so much "showed up" as "firmly placed infront of the door, while a pre-50s blonde haired, blue eyed [demon is the only word i can come up with right now, and while its not the best fitting, itll do] demon, rings the doorbell and runs away like the wind, into the arms of a reluctantly doting boyfriend") and so he becomes so desperate that ill stay, buying me an abundance of food to eat, meeting me at the gym to work out, a never-ceasing amount of chatter, that he tries to seize the opportunity of another warm body in his house. so yes, im a bitch, and yes, im coldhearted, and yes, he has been alot of the things in the past that resulted in him living alone, but i feel bad for that. and what if, what if i end up like that? im haunted every second by the words that i speak, knowing that they are words either one of my parents would speak, just with different tones and inflections. i know that i dont want to ever be married, but i know that whatever it boils down to, i dont want to be alone, and i just dont know how those 2 polar opposite realities can exist at the same time.