red. book. car.

sunday night was a low point. the cops banging on my door, shining a light through my windows. "are you ashley?" yes. "can we step inside for a minute?" im not wearing a bra and my apartment smells like cat shit, but yes, if you must, you can come in. "whats wrong?" youre here in my apartment at 11 pm at night, you have a reason, dont play coy with me. "did you call the suicide hotline?" yes. "why?"i needed someone to talk to. its unfair for my little brother to have to save me from myself in the middle of the night every fucking night. im the big sister, im supposed to take care of him, its not fair. "why didnt you answer when he called you?" i was on the phone with the hotline. "and what did you tell your dad when he came over?" i told him to leave. "why? he loves you, hes sitting in the parking lot crying, thats why he called us. he didnt know what to do. baby girl, if i knew my little girl called the suicide hotline, id beat the door down to get to her" i dont want to kill myself. "whyd you call the hotline?" i needed someone to talk to. im what i call unmotivated suicidal. i feel that i can/dont want to go on, but i would never do anything about it. my brother would fall apart. my parents would get over it, but not my brother. "why didnt you call your mother" she doesnt need to know. "shes your mother" so? "dont you have anyone else?" im unneccessary stress to everyone. "what about your dad?" he doesnt want to know. "you didnt see him out there" ive seen it before. "im not saying youre lying to us, but were lied to every day, so even though you way you wont kill yourself, you have to go home with your dad, or i have to take you to the hospital overnight" well that doesnt give me much of a choice. "which do you want?" the hospital, they were going to take me there anyways. "get some shoes on" can i put my contacts in and a bra on? "yes but if youre gone too long, im going to have to come in there" be my guest.

i check my phone. "please, i love you so much, please, i dont need to sleep, i can sleep in class, youre the best big sister ever, i love you".
i shouldnt be this much of a hassle, no one should ever have to beg like that.

contacts in, bra on. lets get this over with. "due to policy, i have to take you in handcuffs" seriously? "im sorry" i cant just like, promise to not run away? "no".

"do you have any sharp objects in your pockets?" no.

"are you sure you dont have any sharp objects on you?" no.

handcuffs on. shit, this is as awful as it gets, isnt it?

and as we walk out, theres a police officer, my frazzled dad, and randy, with the saddest look i have ever seen on his face. "are you ok?" ill be fine. "im following you out there" dont. just come get me in the morning.

"watch your head, ill have to buckle you in" silence, from me.

and so we drive.

"im not really supposed to do this, but do you want to listen to the radio?" thatd be nice. "what do you want" 106.1 i guess. **...take it, i want to die, i hate myself and i hate my life...** "um, lets put something else on" ha. try 102.1.

and so we drive.

i dont think ill ever forget that drive down i30.

"ill take you in through the back so that no one sees you in the handcuffs" it really doesnt matter.

a series of doors, buzzers, glass windows and an elevator to the 10th floor of jps. the psyc ward.

"hi, howre you?" im in handcuffs, howre you? "were going to have to ask you to take off all your clothes. "can i go to the bathroom first? "dont be long".

its a tin toilet, like a prison. i note that theres no mirror. so as to not give us something to break and cut ourselves with, im presume.

"please take off your clothes, and your shoes. your shoes have shoelaces so you cant have those, and if your bra has an underwire in it, youll have to take that off too." done. "can you pull down your underwear" what? "we need to make sure you arent hiding anything" im on my period. "its not a big deal" yeah, right. "heres 2 dressing gowns that open up to the back, put one on right and put the other one on backwards." ah, the tommy hilfiger edition, nice. "haha. do you have any bruises, scars" take your pick.

she sees my arm. glances to the other nurse.

"here are your rights.....if youd like to make a phone call, you dial 9 to get out.....you came here with the police, so you are involuntary. you will not be discharged until a family member comes to get you and the doctor says its ok.....please sign here, and initital here and here" sigh.

"here is the room you will be staying in, its the observatory. theres a blanket there if you would like, and the chairs recline to make it a little more comfortable" is it possible for the psyc ward be comfortable? "please wait here and a doctor will speak to you shortly"

theres about40 chairs and an office separating us from them by windows. big, huge windows.

i look around. some people look like they need to be here, like the man with 2 inch thick gauzes covering his entire forearm. some people dont, like the indian man with a pony tail.

i spoke with 3 doctors through out the course of the next 12 hours, everything blurred together. "are you on any medicine"yes.
"what medicine"lamictal, geodon, busiporine.
"what have you been on"how much time have you got?
"did it work"obviously not, if im not on it anymore.
"would you consider going back on one of those again?" id rather not.
"are you depressed" very.
"how long have you been depressed" my whole life.
"what made you call the hotline" i needed someone to talk to.
"do you want to kill yourself" no.
"do you want to hurt yourself or others around you"no.
"do you have any large bottles filled with pills at home?" no.
"do you have anyone at home?" no, i live alone.
"do you know where you are at?" ft. worth tx
"do you know what time it is?" can i look at the clock? "haha yes." 9:33
"do you know what floor you are on" 10th.
"im going to give you 3 words to remember: red, book, car" ok gotcha.

he never came back and asked for those words.
but i will never forget them. red. book. car.

a breakfast of corn flakes, milk, a hard boiled egg, 2 blueberry muffins and a fruit cup.

a man shuffles over to the window. knocks. "what do you need" can i have my shoes? "do they have shoelaces?" yes. i need my shoes. "you cant have your shoes" i need my shoes because im leaving. "youre not leaving" but im voluntary. "youre not voluntary, the police brought you here." but i want to leave. "the doctors are transferring you to the inpatient facility" he shuffles back without his shoes.

i call my mother. she doesnt answer.

i call scott.

hey, its me. "hey, howre you" fabulous. can you come get me. "your mother and i have been on the phone all morning" whatre you talking about, its not even 8am. "shes put a call into several doctors."thats fine, just get me out please. "well be there in a little bit." im sorry about last night. "its ok, we were worried, we didnt know what to do". its whatever. "ill see you soon" ok i love you. "i love you too".

i havent said i love you to that man in almost 2 years.

"ms. borck? heres your geodon, they asked for me to give this to you." i took one at 10pm last night, it puts me to sleep, id rather not take that. "oh, ok, ill tell the doctor."

8:16am. "your father is here, would you like to see him?"i guess.

"how did you sleep" it wasnt so bad. "did you eat?" yeah. "we were so worried" i know. i just needed someone to talk to. "you couldve called me" no.

9:04am. "your mother is here, do you mind if she comes in?" sure.
"hey honey *hug*" are you mad at me? "no, why?" you didnt answer. "oh". they say theyre letting me go today. "we have you an appointment with dr. t'jani" ok thats fine. "mabli wants to send you to springwood. its inpatient" i cant, i have school. im ok.

"im going to call mabli and tell him what you said".

he goes to call mabli.

he comes back.

i get up to get water.

as i trudge over and see them whispering, they look up at me. "mabli said you left him a voicemail saying you were going to die" i just needed him to notice, he didnt understand. im sorry. i didnt mean it. im sorry. "we just need you to be honest with us" i am, i promise.

the doctor comes over. "hi, are you ashleys parents?" *in unison* "yes". "im giving her a perscription for an anti depressant. im surprised she hasnt been on one" i thought the lamictal was an AD. "its a mood stabilizer, so is the geodon" oh. "if i send ashley home, can she stay with one of you for awhile until her new medicine starts working? i wont send her home if she goes home to any empty apartment left to her own devices." from my mother "yes, she can stay with me" "ok, well if you need to come here again, you can check yourself in" thank you.

"im going to the baseball game tomorrow night" i want to go! "honey, we need you to stay home and get better first"

ha. like its the flu and its contagious.

being at home alone is what gets me sad. i need to be out doing things to get better. "ok you can go"

my mother didnt leave my side all monday, she followed me around all day. thats fine, i understand, i guess. she called and talked to my manager, got me the weekend off. she gives me 2 sleeping pills a night since i cant sleep, and then she hides the bottle. she counts my medicine, questions why i dont have alot left. she planned special surprises for me all weekend, and from the way she makes it sound, shes not letting me go home anytime soon.

im feeling a little better since my inconvenient situation. maybe its because it was sort of nice how my family united together for me. my doctor says i need to be careful and not let this happen again, because even though this is negative attention, its still attention, and i shouldnt seek it out again. i just dont think i could bear to read another pleading text message from my brother like that. it broke my heart.

red. book. car.