ok. mablis got me on some regimen. no smoking, no drinking, no making out with inappropriate men and/or boys, exercise every day, focus on school, CODA meetings and reading some book (something to the effect of "10 days to self esteem". whatever. i dont think i need better self esteem. i find myself positively fabulous. :D). let me get this straight. no parliaments, no rum/gin/vodka/tequila (never been such a fan of bourbons and scotchy scothes), and no boys? i mean, fuck me, how am i supposed to cope? left to my own devices, and, ha, lets face it, thats never been a great idea. just me. alone. talking to my cats. this guy last night said that i dont have any shit or hurting to deal with because i live alone. i scoffed in his face so strongly that he thought i choked on a water. (yes, i am reduced to and have been behaving by drinking water in a bar when all my friends are getting shitfaced, forgetting how we all got assraped at the respective shifts that night.) i WISH i had someone to come home to. someone to take my mind off things, get me out of my broken head and horrendously traitorous mind. (attention, ashley b/3/ash tray is now looking for a roommate). but alas. my mother says im not fixed yet so i dont need a roommate. she says alot of things. mostly just crap, coming out of her ass. but thats ok. im learning to look past all of her pungent flaws...so that i can avoid becoming them when im 49 and trading in my lexus for a john deere.


3 people have noticed my arm in the past 2 months. fuckng shit. i thought they were gone, and that you could only see them when the light shined just right. "what happened to your arm". "nothing" "it doesnt look like nothing" "it was nothing when it happened and its nothing now". thats my response. always. which, this makes it shittier because this means that people saw it when i stopped wearing long sleeves. FUCKING SHIT ASSHOLE BITCHING HORNY TOAD. damnit. i thought it was my little secret. my dirty little fucked up secret. looks like im not so good at keeping secrets. im just going to get a tatto across it that says "dont ask".


this semester is going to blow. government and english are going to shit on my face and rub it in but everything else maaaaaaaaaay just turn out alright.


im trying to make more friends at school because i need someone to call late at night when i get off work to say "lets go get taco bell and drink water at a bar". cute. i lost a friend like that. the friend that i had. the friend that i pushed away. im very very good at that. pushing people away. im so convinced that im a waste of time and not worth it that i bust my ass trying to convince others of that very same thing. and i push and i push, just like any little engine that could, and then, theyre gone. and then i act all woe is me and ponder where i went wrong. ok, so maybe i shoule read that self esteem book. and also, (note to self) work on thinking before i speak. or text. woops. and once mabli takes me off my drinking probation, ive already made a deal with patrick to take away my phone when i drink. and no matter how much i tickle him, he shant give it to me. its nice having a tickle buddy. someone to get a little silly with and not expect anything back.


coldplay coming up and i have a mighty handsome friend of the male persuasion coming with, but even better, halloween is coming up, and we know i love those super cute costumes, so there goes another 84 bucks, but, ha, itll be worth it. and as i sigh and work out the kinks in my arm, i think this is all for now in my blog that i use so sparingly. such is life.