hello fellow bloggers and bloggerettes.

im staring at my fingers and all i can seem to think about is marilyn monroes words, my favorite of her words, (as much as i enjoy applying "its better to be absolutely ridiculous, than aboslutely boring" to every day life and playing with it) "im selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. i make mistakes, im out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best". thats me in a nutshell. word for word, i put the very breath into the soul of the quote. theres a good number of people that i can eliminate out of my life because of that phrase. and yet, after telling me how embarassing i am, how fragile, how unneccessary and unimportant, how coldhearted, how fruitless and overwhelming i am, they just seem to magically reappear. just like lexapro. this failed me once, just like you all, and now will it fail me again? will you fail me again? ive been good since i left the hospital 2 weeks ago. im supposed to be at the doctors by 10 tomorrow, and i already know what hes going to ask me. ive done this song and dance before. hes going to ask me how my mood has been. and im at a loss for words. i dont really know what to tell him, because, i was fine when i walked into the office and when he put the medicine in my hand, and ive been fine. no medicine works by the mere thought. my only plan of action is to continue on taking it until it deceives me. maybe it will maybe it wont. only time will tell, and thats what my life seems to wait for. time. my life is controlled by time.

so i sat in that meeting, and after i had said my feelings of "a little bit of joy, alot of fear, shame, guilt, (the list goes on, i just happen to have forgot the rest, but i do remember saying everything on the list except for anger)" the therapist looked at me and said "maybe you can tell us why youre feeling all of those feelings with a smile on your face". so i did. i told them what this summer of shit has been like, what its been doing to me, what it did to me, how it ended. the result. from jennifer "your dad wasnt the only one who called the cops, i called them too". from the therapist "did you attempt to kill yourself?" no. "have you been going to meetings?" i hate the meetings in dallas, no i dont go to meetings. "how many did you try?" one. and then disbelieving, incredulous, judging, finger pointing, high horses frown down on me. "what? one meeting? i just, i just cant comprehend!" [listen, fuck you. you dont know what its like. youre stuck here all day, just plucking away at your feelings, remembering all your deep dark little secrets and how they got you here. you dont have a choice, you have to go to meetings.] i just stared at the tissue box on the floor. and then my saving grace "no you guys, i know what its like. when youre that depressed, you know the right answer, you want to do the right thing, but you cant bring yourself to do it. you dont want to reach out. you cant. i know what its like. ive been there. i had to come back here." my eyes never left that tissue box, because all it did was stare back at me, it didnt criticize me or hate me for being what it used to be. so that was their solution. check me back in for 2 weeks. so on the way home, we talked. "i think we should do a weekend thing at one of the treatment centers mabli wants you to go to" well, honestly, 4 days isnt going to fix everything, because if i went to a new treatment center, id have to recount my whole history. how much time have you got? because youre going to need alot more time than you have. if i do a 4 day thing, i will go to shades because they know me, im comfortable there. so i have to call them tomorrow to see if theyd be ok with doing that since the therapists dont work on the weekends. if not, im looking at a bare minimum of 2 weeks in a new treatment facility. my mom says she now expects "these sort of relapses" to happen every few years. here i am, the girl with the people who have glue in their hands. "you teach people how to treat you, and youve taught them that you will fall apart all the time, and thats the only thing they know how to do is put you back together". goddamnit i want to prove all you motherfuckers wrong and break this cycle. fuck shit.