i just...i dont even know where to start but i dont even know if theres a beginning. i dont want to be in a relationship, but i dont want to be alone. im jealous of my friends (and by friends i mean, EVERYONE) who have all of these cookie cutter boyfriends with minmal issues, and at the same time im disgusted by them and never want to be them. but i maybe one day i do want to be them. but i feel like theyre selling out. ill go to my grave saying this, but-"i dont want to think about wedding dresses, white picket fences or joint checking accounts." hook, line and sink'er. gets'em every fucking time. they become putty in my hands. its too easy. its become, a habit? no, its a hobby. i use that line, and ive got men driving 4 hours to come stay with me for less than 24 hours. DUMB. FUCKS. no, ive not become some petty, common whore. dont you worry, mabli, i keep it in my pants. and then i cry, because, jesus fucking goddamned christ, will it always be like this? will i always have this hole? this hole that was created 5 years ago with "ive never been opposed to the drinking of water". this huge gaping hole where a disintegrated heart used to lay, covered with wear and tear. its not there anymore. i just dont fucking care. kiss me and dont call me. fuck you. i never cared to begin with, and dont think youre anything special to me. because youre not. and you never will be. i cry and i cry and i cry. deep down inside, i want someone to stay after the fights, i want someone that will stick around for the good stuff. i dont even have good stuff to give to anyone. im this cold jaded person. im finished and spent. i cant keep doing this. i cant keep fighting tooth and fucking nail to just barely survive. i dont have it in me and i wont do it. and im sick of people putting me on this tall pedestal because they think i can take it, they think im strong and that ill be "ok". no. i wont, ill never be ok. im just too broken for anyone to try and put the effort into fixing me. ill always be a wreck. the mess not worth picking up. so. whats my answer to all of this? what do i do to fill that 5 year hole?drink?no. smoke? no. eat? no. fuck any guy that will have me? no. no matter how fucking badly i wanted to do all of those things, no, i didnt do that. no. i spent over 200 rescuing 2 baby puppies that i found on the side of the road. money that i didnt have. dont have. i dont know, i think on some level i was trying to fill the hole, find something to put my heart and energy into loving, because no one else wants to love me. i think ill go into debt buying the whole fucking zoo to try and fill that hole. its bottomless and it will never be filled. holy fucking shit, i hate this, and on some level, i hate myself for it.