"ive been so worried about you"
"man youre really in a jaded place as of late, arent you"


its been so long since ive heard those words. i really thought i was ok, ive been ok, that i am ok. i just have such a lack of faith in relationships. everyone cheats on everyone it seems (now, theres always the exception to every rule mind you, i just never happen to be this particular rule). ive been the other woman, unknowingly, more times than i can count (on one hand, probably even 2 hands). ive also cheated before. now, ive never really been in the correct or healthy mindframe when ive been in a relationship, therefore not as susceptible(spelling, please, i used to be a whiz at spelling), to a correct or healthy relationship. and hearing the latest? X cheated on y, with her best friend, z. who claims that y stole x from z in the first place. i say im done. no more relationships, no more boyfriends. doug says im afraid. i say im being smart. maybe i am afraid, maybe im being smart, but maybe im being intelligently afraid. and i dont see there being anything wrong with that. for now. currently. in the present. he says ill meet someone and theyll change my mind. he doesnt know. hes never been in love, how can he decide if its even worth it or not? its not worth it. love isnt worth it. katie doesnt want me saying that, correction: i dont think its worth it. i have weird rules with love. so they say. ive also been told i should write a book on how to be a woman. <--this coming from a man in a "committed" relationship, whose also blowing up my phone, saying hes going to "trick me into tokin a joint". man. and you actually doubt that i have basis for not wanting anything? do i like waking up[ next to someone? yes. do i like being held, and kissed and adored, in whatever fashion? of course. but right now, im just guarded. safe and smart.

i think its because "its not that i dont want you, i do, i just dont want to date/a relationship right now". ive heard that twice within the last 6 months, from 2 seperate love interests.

you love me?
watch me walk away.