what a selfish, reckless mother youve become. oh, how the mighty have fallen. letting your 18 year old son walk around NYC-times square of all places-by himself? pimps offering to get him into stripclubs, sleazy, im sure. all for what? so you can sip wine by your friend that you havent seen in a couple of years? the friend you say "oh sweet, look how her child is growing up" when she sends you a card, only to hang it on your fridge for a week, throw it in the trash and not send a card in return? the friend you dont even respect because shes been in therapy for years. and tell me, is this what you think of me? is this where your disrespect for me comes from? because i need help "fixing"myself? forgive me for not being capable. he did an excellent job of doing his damage up until about 3 years ago when i cut his torment out. and you? couldnt leave it alone, pick at that scab. you had to pick up where he left off.

and this is what ive discovered.
my newest growth, which has only led to even more work on my part.
ive got a father who picks his addiction over me; a mother who picks her boyfriend over me. so how can i NOT feel worthless and unimportant all these years? the 2 people, that gave me life, mind you, obviously dont find me important enough to put me first. my belief is that when you become a mother, youre children come first and foremost. from the therapist that makes me work the hardest, of course i get your all knowing nod-"youre exactly right. why do you think i suggested to swear off men for a year? so you dont become her." and that challenge, i accepted. it is a minute to minute battle of every day with myself to not be like them. the father "figure" and the "mother". "i think thats the smartest thing youve ever said. you didnt get the attention, direction and nurturance from them that you needed." is this why i always do attention seeking things, why i always have to be in the middle of everything? "thats exactly why. and here comes the tricky part, and this is going hurt, and its going to suck, but if you want to be whole, you have to do it: you have to re-parent yourself. you have to un-do all the damage theyve done to you." so i walked the 2 miles back. and thought. i am worth it, i deserve for good things to happen to me. everyone always says it, but for some reason i find it necessary to pay a therapist $120 an hour, to hear it through and through.

my voice is hoarse, and sometimes when i move my lips, nothing comes out. but of course.

got a 9freaking6 on my history test today, thank you mrs. rye. thats the highest test grade ive gotten, i keep slipping by with 92s and 91s. thats not good enough for me. ive noticed that at tcc, the professors are called "mrs." and "mr.". not "professor" like they do at the big university. why cant tcc offer real degrees? so i can get my psyc degree. and not fix people. "you c ant fix people. they can only fix themselves, thats the first thing you need to learn, and if you dont learn that quick, you wont be successful." how could i have left you for over a year?

had my weightwatchers meeting yesterday, and totally rocked it out. 5.2 lbs this week, which puts me at 8.4lbs after 2 weeks. not too bad. 28.6 lbs to go.

and ooooho, im not done with this yet. how COULD you? i am your DAUGHTER for chrissakes. and you pick him over me? "were in love and well be together for many, many years". and as i read that, i cried. couldnt even say it aloud. you had betrayed me. im in disbelief. how could you have possibly turned on me? where did your selfishness come from? we may have been through hell, but we weve been through it together. you cant stick to your guns to spite love. congradulations, you have achieved what i have overcome. you have become a high school couple. freshman, at that. breaking up, getting back together. rinse, repeat. pardon me for not keeping up, for not caring. frankly, i dont give a shit. but baby, if thats what you want, then i will surely give it to you. ill ask how hes been, when hes in town, did you have fun? but you had BETTER believe and know that it is empty and fake and careless and not backed by any sincerity. maybe in your drunken stupor you think you can make this work. hes never going to move here. you may be foolish enough to move to po-dunk iowa. unhappiness-ville, IA. population:you.

good things in, bad things out. breathe. im not up for this anymore.